When I first started coaching parents of adult children who were returning home to live some four years ago, I heard the common refrain that it was all right because "it is too expensive out there".
The source of that myth came from the U.S. Census Bureau who had noted the trend of adult children living with parents. The Census Bureau theorized that the cause must be that young adults were finding it hard to have the lifestyle to which they were accustomed on their own entry level pay, so they must be supplementing by mooching off mom and dad. Numerous magazine articles proposed this theory as fact and of course, we could find adult children who echoed that theory as the reason that they were living at home. However, in my blog on my www.kidsoutnow.com website, I explained what I was seeing and that is the New Welfare Generation. My perception is that we are creating a generation of young people who simply put work and a job at the bottom of the priority list as long as someone else takes care of their responsibilities.
In my blog, I explained how I saw firsthand what happens when you enable bad patterns in people. I want to be clear that I am not condemning the young adults who have been called moochers and lazy, I am blaming the behavior that created it and enabled it. The real danger is once that dependency is created, it becomes a way of life, a habit. I hear from parents of grown adults that are in their 30's and 40's and even in their 50's. It isn't that it can't change but it is very hard to create change in others who may not have the motivation to do so. I remember when the Berlin Wall was coming down as Communism in Germany was on its way out. I had a friend who was German and she was ecstatic that her country would be united after such a long time. Months later, a sobering reality had set in. She was hearing from many of her countrymen that the adults of Communism had a very poor work ethic. Under Communism, their needs had been provided for by the State so there was no need to be ambitious. In fact, ambition wasn't rewarded. Without the strong work ethic in place, the former Communist Germans were angry and bitter that someone else wasn't providing for them. It was what they knew.
Parents are doing the same thing that the State did. We are providing but are not teaching the work ethic nor helping to develop job and work skills in our young. I recently saw an article by Laura Lippman and Julie Keith that said in a survey, employers felt that almost half of the entry level employees lacked critical thinking skills, communication skills, and a work ethic. I myself have sat on committees in our school district where employer partners have complained that young adults are surprised that they should be expected to be to work on time, come in every day, and do what is asked of them even if they would rather not. For those of us in the work world, you present well, cooperate, go above and beyond, and show that you are reliable in attendance, manners, and as a team player. But these are skills and it is important to subject your teen and young adult to the work world to acquire them. They aren't being presented in the high school or in the college curriculum.
When I tell parents that work is imperative, I'm told because of the economy it isn't possible. It is possible. This is the game plan I put out for parents to follow.
1. Find out the area of work or career in which your teen or young adult is interested. If they have no interest, then narrow down what they are most interested in from the choices that you are going to create.
2. If they have an interest, think of all the people you know in that business or industry. Even think of people who know someone in it by second hand. For example, if you want to work for Microsoft, who do you know in Microsoft or someone who knows someone in Microsoft. My oldest son, Adam got his first job at 15 years old through a woman, Joan, that I worked with on the PTA. She worked in the Parks and Recreation department of my city and when they needed a soft ball scorer, she thought of Adam. Adam's younger brother got the job a few years later because of his older brother. This is networking and you are better connected than your young adult and it is a critical skill for them to see this in action.
3. Help them talk to the connection by doing an informational interview if possible. Sometimes it is best to have the adults talk as I did with Joan. Other times, if your student is older or more confident, you can guide them to prepare a quick informational interview to learn about the job and the career on their own with the connection.
4. Have the end goal be a job. Sometimes, teens and young adults want extra money and don't mind doing any fast food restaurant or video store job. Others would rather do something that interests them, even if it is volunteering. Make sure that if they are volunteering that they are looking to a possible job down the line or at the very least that they establish work hours and days that they take seriously.
5. Help them to understand that the people they work for will be the ones to give them recommendations. Employers could care less about your grade point average or whether your classes were advanced when they can hear from your former boss that you were an asset to the business and treated their customers well.
6. Lastly, try to get your teen or young adult to evaluate what they like about the job and what they don't like. Along the same vein, try to help them figure out what strength they bring to the job and what is their weakness. This will be critical when they are being interviewed in the future. Employers want to know what strength you can bring to their business and they also want to know how you address your weakness so that it isn't a liability. Be prepared that your teen may give up that job interest having once been on the inside doing it.
In all of this, you must be positive and supportive. Remember this time of life was hard on all of us as our peers made fun of us and we lived in terror of judgment. This is a good time to share your own war stories in the workplace. We all have them and it lets them know that we are human too and they will grow past this.
