Articles
by K. L. Mc Loughlin
5 Pointers for Starting a Dialogue with Your Kids about Sex and Avoiding the Awkward "Talk"
Good news! If there are tweens in your life with whom you need to talk about sex, chances are that you have had sex. So hopefully you're already an expert.
More good news! You've already survived being a kid and somehow learning about sex. You can use all that worked for you and didn't work for you in those experiences to shape your plan now.
The best news! Most of talking to kids about sex has nothing to do with sex. It's about life and treating yourself and the people you care about with respect. We all know that "The Talk", one big talk, is not the way to go. Here's why that's a fabulous thing. Talking about sex starts small and we have time as parents to gain confidence in our ability to talk about sex before questions about wet dreams, STDs, porn and orgasms come our way. Believe me, we want those questions to come to us instead of going anywhere else!
Point One: Have a great attitude about sex
The biggest problem most parents have talking to kids about sex is nerves. Conquering nerves can be helped by having a plan. The first part of the plan is to have a healthy attitude about sex. Have more fabulous sex! Quality counts and practice makes perfect! Everything seems easier to deal with from a place of sated satisfaction. It will also remind you that this is the goal for your kids, to grow up and have a healthy, loving, amazing sexual relationship; for them to be comfortable with their boundaries and confident in giving and receiving love in all its' forms.
Point Two: Keep it simple
The second part of the plan is KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid. Answer questions truthfully but briefly, often one sentence is plenty. Let the tweens ask follow up questions if they want. Believe me, they will let you know how much information they want. By the time your child is a tween you've already talked to them, no doubt, about their own bodies. So their education has begun. Most tweens already know where babies come from and how they get out-at least in a basic sense.
If they don't, you need to do this and now. Their own bodies are about change. Boys are already experiencing erections from stimulation either accidental or deliberate. Girls are getting bombarded with images of inappropriate sexy/slutty equaling cool. You don't want your tweens to get too far ahead of you on their journey because your comfort with the topic is gives them security and your discomfort sends them elsewhere for answers or leaves them alone in thinking about these issues.
Point Three: Use the internet
A great way to start having more conversations about tricky stuff is to begin with the internet. There are safety issues in terms of giving out addresses, but there are also websites that are inappropriate due to sexual content. This opens the door for you to talk about your values and morals. This is what talking to your kids is all about, helping them develop a healthy respect for themselves, their bodies and other people.
If they ask why they can't open an email with "ADULT" in the key words, answer with more than "You're not an adult yet." Give your real reasons whatever they are. They could include, "Those websites have a lot of naked pictures of people on them and people doing sexual things and it's not appropriate for you to see that. Even some adults choose not to see that because it makes sex seem cold. Sex should be between two people who love and are committed to each other."
Welcome follow up questions. "Why would anyone want to see that?" or "What's wrong with seeing naked people." "Well the truth is that seeing those images is physically stimulating in a way that can feel good. The problem is that like everything in life, some people go too far and end up only being able to react to the pictures, and it takes them away from real relationships. Studies have shown that tweens and young teenagers who get early exposure to pornography are more likely to abuse it than adults who view it. It can give you a false idea of what is normal sexually."
Or you could go with a more moral tone, if that is how you feel. "That is part of an industry called Pornography that I'm not comfortable with because I can't imagine how desperate someone would have to be in their life to be willing to be paid for being naked or having sex in such a way that is only for the pleasure and profit of other people. It makes me sad to see someone show so little respect for themselves that they would expose themselves like that."
If you're okay with the industry, you could go with "Look there is nothing wrong with being curious, but you have to understand that this is not real in some respects. At some point you're probably going to want to check it out and use it to help you pleasure yourself but that is not the same thing as or anyway as satisfying as having a healthy loving sexual relationship when you are in a position to be responsible for that. And frankly, there is some sick and dangerous stuff out there. We don't want you to be alone with images like that because they are disturbing."
Basically it comes down to, "Seeing images you aren't ready for can feel bad and cause a physical reaction in your body you aren't prepared for."
Point Four: Use teachable moments
The fourth part of the plan is to use teachable moments! They pop up everywhere. When you see a child dressed like a hooker, comment on how sad that makes you. Talk about how the way you dress and carry yourself sends a message to people. When you're talking about toys, discuss sharing them, taking care of them, and putting them away. This is about respect. Talking about showing respect for the things you care about builds language and lays the groundwork for talking about showing respect for yourself.
In a tickle fight, always stop when a child says stop and point it out that you stopped right away. You respect their right to their body and expect them to do the same for you. Make sure you tell them that if anyone doesn't respect them, they can always talk to you about it no matter what.
Point Five: Learn from your parents' mistakes
Few of us feel that our parents did a good job talking to us about sex. We can learn from their mistakes. Let's avoid the big conversations which do not open a dialogue for thinking about how we want to be in our lives. What we want for our kids is to be able to talk and think about the complexity of relationships. We want to give them the tools to be able to make healthy, knowledgeable decisions for themselves. We are sexual beings. Sexual relationships, even in marriage, are anything but simple. They have physical, psychological, social, even financial components. Our job as parents of tweens is to open the door and make sex okay to talk about.
So remember, have a great attitude about sex, keep it simple and let the kids dictate how much detail they get, use the internet as a vehicle for having conversations about safety from predators and pornography, and use teachable moments. These are the keys to talking to your tweens about sex!
K. L. Mc Loughlin
Author of Baby Steps (ISBN 978-0-9799120-9-2, $14.95, Langdon Street Press)
Host of PIVTR's Today's Women
A show dedicated to the idea of women leading happy, healthy, successful lives.