By:  Debbie Milam

Walk into any home, camp or corporation and you will see it.  No one is immune, it permeates every walk of life, every, race, every age, every religion.  What is this insidious thing that is taking over the lives of so many families?

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Walk into any home, camp or school and you will see it.  It pervades video games, blockbuster movies, and radio and TV airwaves.  You'll find it in corporations, bars, and religious institutions.  No one is immune, it permeates every walk of life, every, race, every religion.  What is this insidious thing that is taking over the lives of so many families?  It is conflict.

When I talk about conflict I want to be clear that not all conflict is negative.  Conflict can bring about great change where it is needed.  If handled effectively conflict can be an amazing catalyst for growth.  The negative ramifications of conflict occur when we or our children instantly and emotionally react.  That's when conflict becomes heated, damaging, and sometimes even violent.

Most of us still handle conflict the way in which we did as a child. For those that were shy, they often withdraw from conflict and let others take advantage of them.  For those who had heated tantrums, they often grow up with a volatile temper.  Our children then learn to handle conflict in the way in we do. Effectively handling conflict in our lives is not innate.  It is a learned skilled that requires tools and practice.  It is not only a learned skill,  it is necessary if you want the kind of loving relationships each of you deserves.

One of the most important keys to learning to resolve conflict peacefully is to learn to express our emotions in ways that are not threatening to others.  To do this we need to understand and accept the full range of emotions each of us experience.  When I first began my spiritual path I would feel very guilty if I felt angry, sad, or frustrated.  I thought it wasn't very enlightened of me to have these emotions. I denied my emotions so much that I became physically ill.  My emotions became embodied. But the more I learn about myself,  my emotions are very much a part of who I am.  Connecting with these emotions and then releasing them helped me to become more authentic.  Helped me express myself, my needs, concerns and desires in a loving way.  This authenticity became a powerful vehicle for positive change, a more effective parent and a healthier individual.

Here's a simple experiment, that I do with my children and the children in my conflict resolution school based programs, to illustrate what happens when we hold in our emotions and do not fully express them or release them.

Take a balloon and blow it up.  What happens, it gets distended, and it gets stretched?  Now what would happen if you continued to blow it up and did not release any of the air, it would swell until it weakened so much that it pop, break, no longer be who it was.  Or it would stretch so much that it would explode.  Well, that is the same thing that happens within to us when we don't acknowledge our emotions; when we don't take the time to release them in an effective manner. 

Now back to our balloon example what would happen if we blew up a balloon, then slowly released some of the air.  It would once again regain its strength.  It would be able to handle more air coming in.  This filling and releasing is the perfect analogy to what happens in our lives.  On a recurring basis we are faced with opportunities to fill with anger, disappointment, frustration, stress, and sadness.  If we practice strategies for releasing these emotions we maintain or strength and integrity.  Without these skills we explode, stretch beyond our capabilities and lose who we are.

It is so essential to teach yourself and your children to release your emotions safely.  As I said before learning to resolve conflict is not an innate gift, it is a learned skill.  For some families the only place they learn to resolve conflict is through the destructive ways the media portrays.  Do you really want Dr. Phil, Power Rangers or X-man showing your children how to handle their emotions?  How do you and your significant other handle conflict?  How do you and your children work through high emotions?  Who is the grounding force in their lives that can stay calm in a storm of emotions?

As parents you have the power to share this extremely important skill with your children. But you must first learn it yourself.  Read the books, find the class, talk to a counselor, learn as much as you can to help your family have the kind of relationships they truly deserve.  May you and your family be able to release their emotions safely, may you learn to honor and respect each other, and may you experience the fullness of each other's love.

Debbie Milam is the author of Stop Fighting and Start Connecting. The founder of The Best You Can Be Foundation, a syndicated parenting columnist for UPI and human potential coach whose work has been featured in over 300 media outlets including The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, PBS and The Hallmark Channel. Visit her website for more books and resources to help you be a highly effective parent.  Sign-up for newsletter at www.bestyoucanbe.org and receive your special report Creating Peace Within Yourself and Your Family © copyright 2008 Debbie Milam